Friday, December 28, 2007

Growing With The Flow ...

I like the notion of growing with the flow opposed to going with the flow. Going with the flow has somewhat of a negative connotation, while its popular, it seems to be indicative of lazy faith. "I'll just see what happens." "Whatever happens, happens." There is no real expectation of anything and that's where me and "going with the flow" don't see eye to eye. Growing with the flow demands a little more initiative and foresight.

In my previous post I mentioned the Cheers theme song that chimed "You want to be where everyone knows your name." That mentality, though it sounds so nostalgic & warm bittersweet. It falls in the same category of thinking as "misery loves company." While most of us prefer to be in situations that are comfortable to us, rarely does couch sitting, bar hopping & binge eating facilitate growth. Perfectly rounded situations never stretch us to our full potential and we are always left wanting. I think that the greater question should be, why am I so desperate to appeal to a sense of wanting or needing approval & acceptance. This is where growth happened to me. I am no longer seeking to appeal to any one's unnecessary opinions of me but rather I am growing up into the completeness and complexity of Natrietia ...

I'm not exactly perfect ...but I am perfectly me.

I like that! :)


"I am not much of a brow beater. I'm not overbearing. I'm not all up in your face, give me what I want NOW or I'll make your life living hell. I'm not "show me the money!" And I'm not exactly, frigid. I have feelings too ...the girl in the cubicle next to me is playing the theme song to Cheers! "You want be where everyone knows your name!" How ironic. Isn't that so common? It's like I just want to be in place where I feel comfortable. Where my name is touted with a familiar grin, tongue & cheek laughter and the coziness of a full belly and a room full of people who have the same griefs to bare as me ... ho ho him. "

Yet something is amiss. The year 2007 has been a year of Total Release. Missing from my closet are those terrible anxieties and insecurities. Will I have enough money? Will I fail? Am I failing right now? Who art thou? Where art thou going? Yeah, yeah ... Been there ...done that ... This year was about me finding contentment with myself ... not looking at myself through the eyes of judgement but embracing myself for who I am ... and Growing with the flow ... I have more to say but I'll have to continue later ...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Giving Thanks

Greetings to All :I just wanted to express sincere thanks to you all. It has been an extraordinary year and I am most grateful to have the relationships that I share with each of you. I absolutely love being able to communicate with my friends and loved ones via emails/blogs. At any given time, of any day, at any hour I can say, "I love you" "I was thinking of you." "How are you?" It means so much to Daniel & I to have family and friends who are believeing with us, praying for us and sharing in our dreams. We want to say thank you ... thank you ... thank you. We pray that the New Year brings fresh opportunities for you and that the things that you have been holding onto spring forth and blossom! God Bless!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Somethings Gotta Give

I've seen the movie, Somethings Gotta Give starring Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson, I think but this is by no means intended to reference the comedy. Perhaps The Somethings, (for my purpose) should read Some Things. I've been vacillating between thoughts lately, whether or not I should be in HOT pursuit of my dreams or just content to rest until the time comes for me to be living the dream. I actually, think that the "my dream" notion is erroneous. Its not really mine. As a believer, I having nothing that is singularly mine. Even my life is not my own. I am not living it for myself. I'm living it for my husband, children, family, friends and a great many of people that I don't know now and perhaps never will. My generations are at stake. And with that I have resolved that, "Some Things Gotta (Have to) Give."

I was reflecting a bit yesterday, and I began to pray about "my" life and where I thought it was going. I felt a bit dismayed. I thought, I have this "thankless" job, boorring with a capital B which takes me away from my family (that I love) for 12 hours a day (9 hours at work, 3 hours commuting). What is it all for? I cried out. Why am I doing this? I was then reminded of God's promise to restore all things. ALL things? Time, energy, opportunity, faith ... All things. Yes, all things. It doesn't matter how much time I've lost or how many opportunities I think have passed me by or even how many tears I've cried. All that matters is that I give attention to what I believe. I believe that I am victorious not because of my own strength but because of God's strength in me. I know that He is all powerful and all sufficient. Because He is sufficient, I am not deficient. The difficult thing is waiting. Resting in the hope that at the end of the day God will prove his faithfulness and awesomeness towards us. I have too often fallen into the category of Christian that believes God up until the point where I can no longer see myself getting out of the mess I'm in. It is when my ability fails me that I have become distraught, fearful of my demise.

But thank God for His grace because when I get to that place and allow the spirit of God to give me rest, opening my eyes to His incredible ability then I can see my way out. I am no longer limited by my mind's perceived means of security but I have this broader perspective that allows me to see beyond. I see myself in the wholeness and comfort that belongs to me. I am fully confident that like the scripture says, that there is "a way of escape for me" and that "whom shall I fear? For the Lord is the Light of my salvation." He is the one who saves me! He is the one who causes me to SEE where I can be saved ...the way to be saved ... the means to the breakthrough.

I've given attention to the details of my most trying hurdles. I don't like failure. I don't like feeling inadequate. I don't like being the butt of society's jokes. The labels: slacker, degenerate, stupid, dummy, loser and flat out "broke" not only ring a bell but they trigger my deepest insecurities. I'm reminded of those old feelings, that surfaced early in life, when I learned to associate success with love. I thought, "My mother will love me if I'm an honor student. My father will love me if I become a doctor. Society will love me if I am talented. God will love me if I'm perfect." I am determined at this stage in life to give up that part of me. The Somethings that I have to give, are my mind, my life, my will and my emotions. My mind is like a warehouse of good and bad things, memories, experiences, thoughts, etcetera. My goal is to have my mind renewed and to filter every thought through the word of God, which is pure and true. Everything that is not pure or true, will be washed away. To properly govern my thoughts. To as scripture says, "To wait patiently for what I do not have," to be "godly with contentment" and to allow "love to be perfect" in me so that I do not fear, because "God has not given me a spirit of fear."

I am decidedly content to pursue Christ, to fall in love with him all over again, everyday because what matters most is that I love.

Friday, August 31, 2007

The Perfect Remedy

It interested me to note that there are quite a few controversies that have come to light in the last few weeks and months ... all of which have had very dramatic consequences. From the media frenzy surrounding the likes of Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan to the hypocrisy (and I use that word, lightly) of the extreme rights, the likes of Senators and well known Preachers. But more interesting to me is this line of demarcation between those who liberally assert there Independence from any Judea Christian beliefs and those who follow what they believe is a moral path. This line cuts the culture in half. The one side optimistic in its pursuit of happyness. While the other, struggles to brave the storm.

For example, there seems to be so little compassion for the performer. The "hot chick", world renown, multi-platinum selling artist with endorsements up the wazoo has very little support while going through opposing times. She is portrayed as a trashy nitwit, and whether or not her own actions contributed to this newly acquired image, isn't really the point. I ask what happened to the glamour, the buzz ... all those who "Loved her" and wanted to be just like her.? What happened? What changed? Was it her humanity? Her inability to no longer perform? Make the world escape through her songs and her sexed up image that made every insecure little girl, boy and woman feel just a little bit sexy too? I wonder.

And then there are those who are vehement in the pursuit of happyness. A happy, morally correct world. Suddenly, the good ole boys are caught up in ridiculous scandals from homosexual affairs to drug binges. Most of whom fell from grace, admitting that they too were victims of molest, perversion, inner demons ... and all manner of wickedness! And so, the swords were drawn, the fires set a blaze ... The world (all those who hated them anyway) shouted "Burn them at the stake, thou Hypo-crits! For they told us that we were wrong for our lawlessness, but today they have been found guilty!"

But, I am not so convinced. I don't want to burn anybody at the stake, "Lest I get burned."To me it's more hypocritical to expect perfection out of anyone. And to me that is the divide. Not between Jews and Gentiles. Christians and Non-Believers. But between those who have compassion and those who do not. Its an issue of love I think. My favorite book makes a very basic point, if you'll consider it, "Judge or you'll be judged." The moment you say, "hypocrite!" You, yourself become that self loving hypocrite. Admiring your own opinions while damning everyone who opposes your own. Putting yourself on a pedestal, ordaining yourself judge of humanity, as if you've never willed to do something that you lacked the strength to follow through. Perhaps it was taking a break from the Twinkies-and-diet-coke diet, so you could loose the weight you know is keeping you from being able to play football with your son, or having the discipline to finally finish that quilt you've been working on for 7 years. Perhaps it's a bit more weighty than a 10lb weight loss (no pun intended). Maybe it's quitting the fags (cigarettes) so you can breathe better or leaving the binge drinking behind and moving out (mentally) from the good "ole days", or being a committed wife or husband ....and so on.

If I were a blithering alcoholic would it be wrong for me to say to kids, "Don't be an alcoholic?" Or should I reserve the saying until I'm perfectly put together. I'm just asking.

Final words, Love more, think less. I'm striving too.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Why not?

It's game time. Seriously, I'm ready to explore new things. I'll be turning 30 next year and I just can't wait to see how much I can do before that day. I don't know there is the longing inside of me to take an active approach to learning new things. I started crocheting about a week ago and I have been so inspired by futuregirl (see her website I have always loved creating, making things my own, putting my little twist on something basic and it's high time that I give some things a try. Why not! What do I have to loose? I used to be so fearful of making mistakes and not doing things perfectly. Not anymore! In fact, I have been feeling so much creative energy that I wrote a children's story on Monday. I've written about 3 so far but it had been about 3 1/2 years since I wrote my last. I'm excited. I caught up with a friend of mine who started a business of her own, and just wrapped a job she did with MTV and I was like wow! What's to stop me from pursuing my dreams. I've been praying "God thank you for open doors, business opportunities ..." and so, it shouldn't be a huge surprise that I'm moving in that direction. I encourage everyone to follow their dreams. What is it that you hoped for as a little girl? What did you dream of? Go for it! Why not!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Have Me

Have me at hello
Take me from below
Show me the way to go
And I will follow

Make me the apple of your eye
In the center of your garden
A light that you can see
An object of humanity
Predetermined by destiny

Lift me far above
So that my wings can fly
Give me sight beyond
And hope that does not waiver

Have me at your beck and call
My soul will only thank you
Keep me in the know
Of what matters the most
So that I do not falter

Lead me to everlasting
Do not wave me good bye
I am here to stay
And stay will I

Have me at hello
Teach me
And I will grow
Like a flower rising above the earth
In the sun's radiant glow

In a moment
I reason, I will stand in your presence
But will this be my end
Or my beginning
Until death has had its taste
I will not remember what is in front of me

Have me at hello
And leave me craving
All of the goodness
Of your calling
Keep me wondering
Where you are
And I how may please you

The apple of your eye
You or I must go
And so I am departed
For the season has come
To mature me
And I waken to a new being
The sorrow has gone

Have me at hello
Take from below
Save me and I will go
Make me and it will show

The reason that you came
and I knew you.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Word of the Day: Assail

Assail \uh-SAIL\ verb meaning to attack violently with blows or words.
"I was marked with discomfort when the hostile woman assailed her child at the public library."

Did I mention that I'm at work, right now? TGIF. I've been trying to exercise my brain, not to mention my physical body. FYI, I just had a baby. But, I've been re-introducing and sometimes introducing myself to a word a day. Since, I'm a very "hands on" kind of gal, I thought that writing a sentence a day, would serve me better than just reading the word and going about my merry ways.
Hmm, I love reality television. I've been glued to BB8 aka Big Brother 8 this summer. There were an interesting set of events that happened over the last week. Of course, we just knew that Dustin was going home, the flamboyant man who had volunteered himself for "eviction" in the same arrogant fashion that his predecessor Marcellas had done. But to his utter surprise, his own alliance used him as a guinea. He like Marcellas became the first housemate to be sequestered until the finale. Interesting ...
Anyway, prior to all of this there was this moment in the house when Jameka and Amber, the self-proclaimed good guys were being verbally attacked by Evil Dick aka EV for their Christian beliefs. Now, you might think poor little Christ lovers. But I saw the whole ordeal as tragic. On the "good guys" part, it looked like they were judging EV. Even resorting to calling his "Mama a B***!" You'd expect such loud mouth, undisciplined speech from gentiles but my goodness no, not from a believer. So, it was disappointing to see. It was in the heat of Jameka's tongue lashing that she assailed EV's mama and I realized that it didn't matter how much EV besmirched her character and taunted her, she should have walked away. What's more, she should have at the very least apologized to the man. As it is said, "Pride comes before a fall."

I am determined not to assail anyone, rather I choose to exhort those around me, even if it hurts me to do it.

very sincerely,

Start to Finish

Okay, so its been like almost 2 years since I last wrote something. Quite a bit has changed since December 2005! And I have been tremendously blessed by all the goodness. My husband and I welcomed our third child into the world in March 2007. So, we've been busy ... But since returning to work from maternity leave, I've been on a mission of sorts to discover a more in depth look inside myself. I am challenging myself to be a better wife and mother. A better listener. A better friend. A better servant. I think that so often we get caught up in our ambitions that we loose the purpose of life. Life is to be enjoyed. And the fulfillment that comes out of life isn't in possessions but in the relationships that we build while we are here. Whoever heard of someone asking for their millions on their death bed? I suppose this secenario exists somewhere in the universe but the reality of our human nature is this almost desparate plea, an innate need to have healthy interactions with PEOPLE.

So here I am, world. I've been working on this book/novel/play/creative work for almost 7 years and I have found myself at odds. It's like I have a picture of what I want and I can almost literally mouth the words BUT in my feeble attempts at actually writing this thing, I've stumbled every time. Somehow, I think this process has made me stronger and wiser. My good will is to somehow incorporate these "conversations" into the dialogue that I would like to create between myself and the reader. It's really easy for me to express myself in letters and so I look at these blogs as a sort of billet doux.