Monday, July 28, 2008

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Silence of the Lambs (Part 1)

Is there anyone who loves God?
Is there anyone who appreciates His wonder?
Dissatisfied with common weakness and bewildered by the soul’s desire for sin …I imagine His Highness and Honor
I ponder, this power, to care especially for one so intimately acquitted with
Every vile thing
Having slept with my own flesh, knowing my own body’s lust for men,
To be one with them and worthed by them.
I imagine His Honor and His helpful taste for them
To what do we owe for His love … His perfect, matchless, unashamed, without condition love?
Crafting us in his image and likeness
Without repentance, He named us his sons, giving us
A will, desire, thought, perception and faith …
To which we threw away to neglect
And forsake … to judge for ourselves a better way
Debased, afraid not to fear, insanely jealous for gifts and trophy
Proud and arrogantly wise in the mechanics of opinion, greedy for lust
Breathless and without power … we shake but do not quiver at the sight of Him, comparing ourselves to majesty, we lift up our idols that sing and perform for us their magic … empty and glued to the tube, a lifeless, lightless void …
Incomprehensible is His depth
Unimaginable is His worth … vulnerable He s not
Needy of approval He is not
And with open hands He gives without fear. His love perfect and unshaken
As we masquerade, pretending to know what we do not know …
Giving names and locations to what we did not create …
We hide ourselves in what we do, evading, we hope the Presence
Lacking knowledge of His omnipotence
We cover our selves, for this we hope will hide our shame
Our naked selves, true from birth, a slow depiction of the deteriorated state
The moment we ate and began to imitate the likeness of wisdom outside of grace
We became illegitimate, no longer children
But slaves, to the will, of our nature uninhabitated by the Holy Spirit, who makes even
Our flesh enemy decides to will good and right and true and pure things …
Unmoved, having no compassion for ourselves,
We seek what cannot heal,
Cannot protect,
Cannot save us
Watchful eye
Rest on the meek
That we may inherit the earth
And bring to birth our sons
If we speak
If we say what we heard from the beginning …
The word
Is Life

I wrote this poem out of a desire to create a reverence for God in the hearts of men. In my own heart, a desire to love compassionately and unconditionally, has been formed; not that I have perfectly attained to this great feat. But I hope to continuously test the limitlessness of God love in my own life.It is so important that we be conscience of His existence, His ever presence and His ability, if He wills to return today, to harvest those of us whose hearts are inclined to him. I hope that this expression will draw some out of the wilderness of hopelessness into the comforts of right standing with God. It moves me to know that even in the greatness of God, though He need no man’s approval or praise, he chooses to have communion with us. There truly is nothing like being alone in His Presence. Surely, there is no peace like Him.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Rain Dance

My husband took our children to the park a weekend or two ago. It was so HOT! Like 112 degrees HOT. Anyway, he told my son, "Hey, son its hot outside. Are you sure that you want to go the park?" (OMG this sounds like one those viral Anyway, as the story goes, my son replied, "Dad its not hot outside. It's cool."

Scripture says, "We must be like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven." What is the kingdom of heaven? Jesus said, "it's neither here nor there." Its not a place that you can point to but a state of mind. For a child climate makes little difference, if there is fun to be had, they have it. If there is life to live they live it. They don't see obstacles, they see that great big jungle gym of fun.

I said to the Lord, "The other night, I just want to be a little girl again." And I meant it. I just want to be so simple minded that the cares of this life get brushed off of my shoulders. When I see rain I want to be like a child and dance around in it.

I decided today, that life is too short to seat around complaining. So what if I made a mistake. so what if I had a bad day yesterday! I am going to have a good day to today. My husband said something to me & our son, that was very poignant. He said, "When you change, the world around you will change."

Are you ready to change? Me too. Let's dance!!!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Sometimes are Special ...

Last night, I was washing the dishes wishing that I had someone to talk to and I thought of my BFF, who just so happens to be preggers. I'm so excited for her and her family. She and her husband are expecting their 2nd child, a little girl, they are naming Grace. I had called her earlier in the day hoping to reach her but I got her voicemail. I didn't want to call her again. So I decided to talk to the Lord. I had been avoiding that conversation because I didn't want to get all weepy eyed and tearful. I don't think that I have allowed myself to hit my breaking point. I've been dancing around the idea of change and wanting it badly but not really committing myself to making the moves necessary to see those changes come to fruition in my life.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I feel like I've been climbing this insurmountable, jagged death trap for about 10 years. There have been peaks and valleys, dry places and stormy roads along the way, but I've kept my eyes on reaching the top. The top! I see it. There it is. Yes! Yes! I'm jumping, I'm laughing ! I'm shouting waving my hands . I look to my left and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirage ... I realize that I've climbed the wrong mountain. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. Heck! I'm supposed to be over there. That mountain. Not this stupid, big hunk of crap! I climbed 10 years to get here! You mean I have to climb all the way down and around this and up that equally as large, jagged, insurmountable, hideous monstrosity over there.
Do you see? Do you see why I'm loosing focus here? (Smile) Ah, just rants. Just rants I tell you. I'll make it yet. I'll climb it yet. I will. I have to.

Monday, July 07, 2008

An Ignoble Confession (Cont. from Love is a Lion)

So, I was a blundering idiot on my last post. (Smile.) I couldn't quite get what I was trying to say out. I have this terrible feeling inside that I have been going about things the wrong way. Somehow along the way, I lost sight of what really matters. For me the loss of compassion & love is worse than death. I have always esteemed myself as being pretty balanced and kind and incredibly sincere. Toot, toot. But I realized something while going through that trial ... when I uttered those shameful words, "I can't do this anymore." I realized that I was selfish. That I had become a "me" person. What about ME? What about MY feelings? What about MY dreams? What about what "I" want? Poor wittle me was my anthem and rage. I wanted MY esteem. MY own will and MY own set of do's and do not's. I wanted ME to be happy doing want I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and how I wanted it done. Reminds me of a little song I used to sing, "Me, myself and I are quite a trio. Me, myself and I are good amigos!" I have visited MEland and it gets pretty lonely. In my sheltered little hut and my me-so-sad-and-alone blues song, I realized this humbling "truth", I'm perishing if I do nothing ... I'm dead if all I care about is myself. I'm dead. I might as well bury my head in the sand and take my last breath. Forget about whatever dreams I have ... They mean nothing if they help no one. If I'm not helping than what the heck am I doing.
I've been thinking about life's purpose. Certainly, it can't be about cars and houses and places to see. Those things are nice, but heck there are too many cars on the road, houses that aren't homes and places all over the world devoid of peace. So I took a step further and I thought about Christ. Like, what did he die for? What was the purpose for his existence. Let us just imagine for a moment that he wasn't "messiah". That he was just some ordinary guy , with ordinary problems and ordinary ways. Would the world have changed because of him? Perhaps, then with a little compassion we might weep at his death, whether he was raised from the dead or not, here was a man, that most people agree was an agreeable guy, who was martyred by his peers. Could we then feel sorry for the guy, shed a tear maybe? On the flip side, if we acknowledge the person of Christ, who dies for the sins of the world, we have to address an ignoble series of questions ... Are we perishing? Are we avoiding the most obvious questions in life because a small part of us knows that we are all guilty and we like most are trying to ignore the elephant in the room? There is a commonality that we all have, that goes beyond race, color, creed, pedigree, sex and religion ... ALL have sinned ... ALL have fallen short ... we easily, almost, matter of factly mutter, "Nobody's perfect" to ourselves and counterparts. But then we never acknowledge our human desire for perfection. Our longing for godlikeness is obvious, we deify our intellect, our philosophy, our pop stars, our luxury cars, our bodies, our countries, our politics, our opinions, our Jimmy Choos, our SUVs, our Green earth, our art .. and we say , "This is perfection. This is greatness. This is noble. This is without fault. And god damn anyone who thinks otherwise." I am growing tired of this grossly sensational world we live in ... I have had my senses overloaded with images that condone everything from greed to sexism. And I'm just tired of it all. So much so that I sometimes which I could just disappear to an island all by MYself ...and then I realize this too is pride. Am I perfect? I'm I without fault? OH, if only the world could get its self together, because "toot-toot" I have myself together. Yes, I am a work in progress. I'm striving ya'll ... to LOVE so much more.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Love is a Lion

Today is my daughter's 5th birthday. I remember the day that she was born. Her sweet presence was so fragrant and magnificent. Until this day, she continues to fragrance our lives with her love. Her name which means "Lioness of God, " is why I decided to title this entry, "Love is a Lion." I am very excited for her, who she is now and who she will be not many years from now. I am truly blessed. But there is a story behind the joy. There is a principle behind the peace. There is one thing that I have to laud above all the pre-packaged gifts, confetti, bells and whistles that go along with the celebration. You see, I am excited and prepared to celebrate and greet my baby with the biggest kiss and hug when I see her after work today. My eyes fill with water as I think of the precious gift she is. She is a reminder to me of God’s awesomeness and ability. Nothing truly matters more than love.
I would really like to take this time now to explain why I am so emotionally scattered. Let me take a moment to collect all of the random thoughts floating through my brain. Inhaling … Breathing out ... Okay. Over the weekend I said something to my husband that I never thought I had the ignorance to speak. Scripture says that, “Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps quiet.”
So, I opened my mouth and I said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
And he said to me, “Okay, you need to be clear about what you are saying to me. Because if you are saying you don’t want to do this anymore, you are saying that you quit. You quit me. You quit our children.” Etcetera, etcetera. I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I just felt like I could no longer walk with him.
“I love you,” I said but “I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Don’t say you love me, he said, “because if you say you love me than you can’t say you can’t do this anymore in the same sentence.”
I wanted to share this because I think that most people have this idea in mind that a perfect marriage has no complications. That a perfect commitment is without challenges. And this, my friends, is simply untrue. If someone were to ask me what makes a good marriage. I would have to take my cues from the word of God, LOVE. Love is the key. Many of us are struck with images of hearts and chocolate covered strawberries, a glass of wine, a warm fireplace, tender kisses and lavish adventures with a charming person holding your hand as you walk a white sand beach. Many would be troubled if the image of love looked like passionate arguments, hot dogs and ramen noodles but sometimes love looks like a place that is completely devoid of comfort. That is what commitment is. It’s not being committed under pristine conditions. Love is commitment. Love never fails to believe. Love hopes against all hope. When hope is lost, love says, “I believe”.
To be continued …