Monday, July 07, 2008

An Ignoble Confession (Cont. from Love is a Lion)

So, I was a blundering idiot on my last post. (Smile.) I couldn't quite get what I was trying to say out. I have this terrible feeling inside that I have been going about things the wrong way. Somehow along the way, I lost sight of what really matters. For me the loss of compassion & love is worse than death. I have always esteemed myself as being pretty balanced and kind and incredibly sincere. Toot, toot. But I realized something while going through that trial ... when I uttered those shameful words, "I can't do this anymore." I realized that I was selfish. That I had become a "me" person. What about ME? What about MY feelings? What about MY dreams? What about what "I" want? Poor wittle me was my anthem and rage. I wanted MY esteem. MY own will and MY own set of do's and do not's. I wanted ME to be happy doing want I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and how I wanted it done. Reminds me of a little song I used to sing, "Me, myself and I are quite a trio. Me, myself and I are good amigos!" I have visited MEland and it gets pretty lonely. In my sheltered little hut and my me-so-sad-and-alone blues song, I realized this humbling "truth", I'm perishing if I do nothing ... I'm dead if all I care about is myself. I'm dead. I might as well bury my head in the sand and take my last breath. Forget about whatever dreams I have ... They mean nothing if they help no one. If I'm not helping than what the heck am I doing.
I've been thinking about life's purpose. Certainly, it can't be about cars and houses and places to see. Those things are nice, but heck there are too many cars on the road, houses that aren't homes and places all over the world devoid of peace. So I took a step further and I thought about Christ. Like, what did he die for? What was the purpose for his existence. Let us just imagine for a moment that he wasn't "messiah". That he was just some ordinary guy , with ordinary problems and ordinary ways. Would the world have changed because of him? Perhaps, then with a little compassion we might weep at his death, whether he was raised from the dead or not, here was a man, that most people agree was an agreeable guy, who was martyred by his peers. Could we then feel sorry for the guy, shed a tear maybe? On the flip side, if we acknowledge the person of Christ, who dies for the sins of the world, we have to address an ignoble series of questions ... Are we perishing? Are we avoiding the most obvious questions in life because a small part of us knows that we are all guilty and we like most are trying to ignore the elephant in the room? There is a commonality that we all have, that goes beyond race, color, creed, pedigree, sex and religion ... ALL have sinned ... ALL have fallen short ... we easily, almost, matter of factly mutter, "Nobody's perfect" to ourselves and counterparts. But then we never acknowledge our human desire for perfection. Our longing for godlikeness is obvious, we deify our intellect, our philosophy, our pop stars, our luxury cars, our bodies, our countries, our politics, our opinions, our Jimmy Choos, our SUVs, our Green earth, our art .. and we say , "This is perfection. This is greatness. This is noble. This is without fault. And god damn anyone who thinks otherwise." I am growing tired of this grossly sensational world we live in ... I have had my senses overloaded with images that condone everything from greed to sexism. And I'm just tired of it all. So much so that I sometimes which I could just disappear to an island all by MYself ...and then I realize this too is pride. Am I perfect? I'm I without fault? OH, if only the world could get its self together, because "toot-toot" I have myself together. Yes, I am a work in progress. I'm striving ya'll ... to LOVE so much more.

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