Saturday, October 25, 2008

Saturdays with my Dad

Ahhh ... Saturday. I love to wake up on Saturday Mornings before everyone else and just spend time with my Dad. Its my favorite thing to do. I'm trying to be more disciplined in getting that one on one with him during the week as well. My schedule is such that I squeeze in my study of the word in the mornings and afternoons on the train. I'm always talking to dad but there is something about isolating myself from sound and distraction and traffic and work and all of the things that make life so vibrant. Certainly, I can marvel at the sway of the trees in the wind, and brightness of the sun and the glory of each day. I like to take the time to smell the roses. But even more, time a way with the Lord is time well spent. I'm always so invigorated by the time that I get to spend with him,my Dad.

I am also training myself to call him Dad more than I call Him God because I think He likes it. (smile). When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He told them to pray to their "Father". Its a small change that makes a huge impact. It seems that the slightest adjustments make the biggest changes. In the beginning, I found it hard to call him Dad. I thought that I was being disrespectful. Then I found myself weeping, that I hadn't ever saw myself as a true child of god. That I saw myself as mere peasant at his feet hoping to receive whatever blessings fell on me. Over time it has become so much easier for me to see Him as a dad who loves me no matter what. And knowing this incredible love inspires me to be a better daughter. I don't take for granted the love that has been given to me, but I make it a priority to not forget about my dad.
Thanks Dad. I love you and I appreciate you.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Ask ... What do you want?

I have been at a crossroads. And the only consolation that I have is a promise. A promise that I cannot let go of; and further more will not let go of me. I must say that I have been walking along this winding road to perdition since 1995, a mere thirteen years. And along this road, I have noticed a trend. Whenever I get to a place where I have to make the grueling and faithful decision to either turn left or right, I am met with great difficulty. The difficulty isn't in whether or not left is better than right. The difficulty is much more complex because left and right are not decidedly wrong or right, but better or best. And the choice to choose is determined by whether or not I am willing to go the distance for what is better.

What is best is good. Its a shorter walk, less foliage with sporadic trails of water bottles and edible seeds, plants and berries. Its a comfortable, slightly warm yet breezy trot along a sandy path. The better route is promising. It is a hopeless dangle of vines, weeds and thorns, random beast and desert plain. There are no adventurers past or those left behind to encourage you along the way. Only a dark, lonely shoot until you get to Eden. The promised land. An until death do you part, marriage of faith and diligence.

I have lacked strength in areas of faith. At times compromising my belief to dote on the unfairness of life. Questioning the soundness of faithful exercise. Lifting my arms in total surrender weakened by my own passions. I've left myself alone and thought about the reasons why I've chosen to go the long and narrow route. Time after time, met with this decision, knowing its penalty. To the benefit of knowledge, I would I have to say that Christ, alone,for has done more me than I have done for him. Although, I have begged to differ with him at these crossroads. I have always returned to the same truth. He saved me. When I was a little girl and confused and torn and raped ... He saved me. He healed me. He treasured me as His own. And though I cannot touch Him, I feel Him always. And though I can not look him in His eyes and wonder at His mystery. I know him. I know Him as friend, and savior and confident. I know Him. He saved me.

So I turn Him in these moments, when I am met with decision. And I simply ask, what do you want? Faithfully, He responds, " I want what the very best for you. Not just what is good, but what is perfect. Choose what is better."