Ask ... What do you want?

I have been at a crossroads. And the only consolation that I have is a promise. A promise that I cannot let go of; and further more will not let go of me. I must say that I have been walking along this winding road to perdition since 1995, a mere thirteen years. And along this road, I have noticed a trend. Whenever I get to a place where I have to make the grueling and faithful decision to either turn left or right, I am met with great difficulty. The difficulty isn't in whether or not left is better than right. The difficulty is much more complex because left and right are not decidedly wrong or right, but better or best. And the choice to choose is determined by whether or not I am willing to go the distance for what is better.

What is best is good. Its a shorter walk, less foliage with sporadic trails of water bottles and edible seeds, plants and berries. Its a comfortable, slightly warm yet breezy trot along a sandy path. The better route is promising. It is a hopeless dangle of vines, weeds and thorns, random beast and desert plain. There are no adventurers past or those left behind to encourage you along the way. Only a dark, lonely shoot until you get to Eden. The promised land. An until death do you part, marriage of faith and diligence.

I have lacked strength in areas of faith. At times compromising my belief to dote on the unfairness of life. Questioning the soundness of faithful exercise. Lifting my arms in total surrender weakened by my own passions. I've left myself alone and thought about the reasons why I've chosen to go the long and narrow route. Time after time, met with this decision, knowing its penalty. To the benefit of knowledge, I would I have to say that Christ, alone,for has done more me than I have done for him. Although, I have begged to differ with him at these crossroads. I have always returned to the same truth. He saved me. When I was a little girl and confused and torn and raped ... He saved me. He healed me. He treasured me as His own. And though I cannot touch Him, I feel Him always. And though I can not look him in His eyes and wonder at His mystery. I know him. I know Him as friend, and savior and confident. I know Him. He saved me.

So I turn Him in these moments, when I am met with decision. And I simply ask, what do you want? Faithfully, He responds, " I want what the very best for you. Not just what is good, but what is perfect. Choose what is better."