Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Why I Fell In Love (Pt. 1)

Love is a many splendid thing, but love isn’t for the faint of heart. Love is an action word that many of us neglect to do. Love isn’t a feeling that gushes from some private place. Love isn’t hidden so deep in your heart that you need a magnifying glass and pliers to pry it from. Love is simple and complex, all in the same breath. Love is varied and if you apply it well, you’ll watch it grow. Love is the basis of life and the fulfillment of it. Love is like a tree that grows, from its roots to its branches… Love is a necessary part of our human experience…

(To be continued)

Saturday, July 11, 2009


There is a level of insecurity I face when I look in the mirror.
Brokenness I can not ignore.
In spite of my beauty
Or perhaps, lack there of,
I am emotionally stained
Afraid to look deeper into my person,
My woman hood…
My dark veil that hides my true feelings
I smile and I tarry,
Hoping that someone will save me
From myself,
I am hateful,
Slipping into an insane world,
Need I say more?
I’ve felt that empty stinging
That lifeless pain
Not knowing that it was
Apart of growing.
Sick of being so alone,
I want more …

There are a lot of things that I want, but what I want more is to be loved. To know that I am loved without condition. To know that if I surrender my all I will not be taken advantage of. To know that if I give my heart away that it want be broken into a million little pieces. To know that if I lay it out all on the table I want be laughed at…

I don’t have a lot of friends. I have met a lot of people. But I don’t know if people really get me and to some degree I think I’ve paid too much attention to the way I am perceived by them. At some point, though I have to care less about people’s opinions and more about their souls. I really don’t care to be liked, as long as I love.

I realized sometime ago that I liked to write. There was a time in my life that writing so defined me that I could not see my value outside of my ability. This was scary, especially, since what defined me was taken from me. I made a decision to fall in love with my husband and to become a mother. I made a choice to follow God wherever He led. This upset a lot of people, including myself, because we had put so much stake in my gift to write and perform that when I stopped writing and performing, I looked more like a failure than a success. I spent several years fighting to get back to a place that essentially did not love nor appreciate me for me. When the bible says, “A friend is gained in the day adversity,” it’s not saying that to sound meaningful, it really is a true statement. I have gained truer friends while I was sleeping on the floor than performing on a stage.

I don’t want to be a party pooper. I’m not trying to ruin anybody’s buzz. But I do like to “keep it real”. Tell me the truth? Do you really prefer living your life as though none of this sh%# matters, when you really know it bugs the hell out of you. Our generation isn’t the generation that sticks its head in the sand and says it will all be over if I hide from me. We our confrontational. We ask questions. We say, hey this doesn’t measure up, Mom? Hey, Dad you lied to me.

When I talk to God, I have explicit candor. I don’t say, “Holy Father, thou art so Holy and I know that I am just a peon that could never ask you any questions.” I say, “Dad, this concerns me, tell me what to do,” I say, “Dad, I’m a mess and I need you to help me.” And I have even said, “God, this is hard and I don’t want this anymore, why are you making things so hard?” And He laughs and patiently loves me through my tantrum.

I share this because I know that I am not the only one who asks these questions or considers them. It concerns me deeply that people have so many internal issues and they hold them inside because they feel like they have no out.

I can’t truly be myself or be vulnerable because people will take advantage of me, hurt me, use my weakness against me or think I’m a weirdo when all I want is to fit in and be accepted. Everyone needs to be affirmed. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world. That’s part of our humanity. Relationships are valuable. But a relationship with another flawed, imperfect human will never fulfill you.

Relationship with your Heavenly Father will. When you open yourself up and allow yourself to cry it all out and say, “Hey I struggle with this. I need this.” You take the first step and your father takes twenty more towards you. He embraces you like the daughter he has longed for.

I don’t mean to romanticize this thing. But I have experienced the glory and majesty of relationship with God and I have been to the pit of darkness. It was Christ who saved me. It was Christ who gave me hope. It was Christ who showed me who I was. It was Christ who gave me an out! It was Christ. In this culture it would be much more comfortable for me to say, “Whatever works, works.” But that isn’t my testimony.

If I had witnessed a crime and had been asked to testify against the person I saw commit the crime. How valuable my testimony would be? On the flip side, I am witness to the goodness of God; yet, some people hear it and disbelieve. They question my intentions, my intellect, my character, etc…

Do I want to be heard? Yes. But what I want more is to love.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Can't A Girl Dream ...

I have a dream, that one day all girls: black girls, white girls, brown girls and yellow girls, big girls and skinny girls, smart girls and “bless her heart” girls; turn the other cheek girls and “knock your @$! out” girls, window shopping girls and close the store down girls, pretty girls and witty girls, would be measured not by the color of their skin, nor their designer purse, nor their breast size or waist size, nor their occupation or marital status but by the content of her character.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Death and Life: Resting In Peace (In Memory of Michael Joseph Jackson)

When the King of Pop, Michael Joseph Jackson died I shed a tear; in fact I felt a great deal of unexpected emotion. Now, let me just put things in perspective. I have no problem crying and at times I like to cry. I’ve felt a sensual cleansing of my soul and mind as I sobbed my way through brokenness, sniffled, snotted and whimpered at Feed the Children commercials, injustices and death with no shame. But somehow, it struck me strangely that after I boohooed at CNN’s online reporting, I still felt a certain discontentment with Michael’s death. Certainly, I believe that there is a place for our souls after death and that our souls are eternally alive, and whether our resting place is indeed a place of rest is determined by One and not me. So, for me, my hope concerning death is that my final resting place will be in the presence of One so glorious and good, My Lord, My Savior, My Father and Friend. Death is not a tragedy when one believes that there something more to encounter beyond this present life. Death in and of itself does not scare me. But when Michael died, I considered dying… not suicide, but I took time to think about death as apart of life.

I think the scariest part of death is the finality of it. Whether or not, you believe that there is life after death, it is still the last part of what we know in this realm. I can’t imagine that my human life experience with all its many turns & twist will end in death without ever living again. It would seem an injustice. As much there is darkness in the world there is still incredible light. I’ve experienced true love, the warm & fuzzies, the cold and smell of the rain, the warmth of the sun, and beauty of the stars. I’ve stood in awe of the miraculous and witnessed life being born. There are so many wonderful memories I can recollect, that I hope will never be lost in a pile of dirt.

I remember being about 5 and hearing PYT for the first time. Me and my two boy cousins would sport our Member’s Only Jackets (didn’t have the red & black Thriller one) and pretend to be Michael. We grew up on Michael. He is apart of our American culture and an International Superstar. My children, ages 8, 6 and 2 have discovered the music and spirit of Michael Jackson. And the brother is still Bad! My kids love him! It occurred to me that though his music will continue to be heard, his life has ended. The tragedy for me is how young he was, and how young we still are. Even my mom, is young at 51 and she grew up on Michael Jackson. I think his death, reminded us all of our mortality, it certainly did me.

Michael was common and extraordinary all at once. He was a man like all of us but extraordinary in his ability to sing, dance and perform. His gift was magic to us all. And for the brief moment that he spent on this earth we were all touched by the light that shined in him. How terrible it seems if with all the talent he possessed to entertain; and all the charitable contributions he made, that he still did not find peace for himself. He may have reigned in the earth as the King of Pop, but he didn’t appear to reign in his personal life. I’m not talking about the controversies. I’m talking about just being able to sleep at night. How many of us can say, we have lain awake in our beds thinking and re-thinking our past? Our pain? Our circumstance? Unable to close our eyes and find rest. Too many of us I think.

Lately, I have been weeping a lot. More than usual. I have felt very sober minded. I feel a sense of great tragedy and death at the door. Not at my door, but in the earth.

I recall hearing of the Air France flight that mysteriously crashed in the middle of the Atlantic. And later, hearing of a woman who was bound for the flight and missed it; only to be killed in a car crash days later. It struck me as an odd event, like death was looking for her. And sadly, found her.

I won’t mince words because I feel like I’m not cool enough to sound cool saying it, but we are living in the last days of this time. I do not mean that as a threat or an insult to anyone’s intelligence, but the world is changing. We are not living in our parents’ world or generation. Life can be a string of unexpected events. And one event can be the one that changes everything as you know it. I hope that for those of you who are reading this that tragedy and even death will be far from you. I pray that God will protect you and keep you safe from all dangers. And that if you believe, in Christ at all that He will reign in your heart and mind, so that you will have eternal life.

May the peace of God guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus. And may you discover what you were created to do, and do to the fullest of your ability!

Be blessed in every way,


Sunday, July 05, 2009


I’ve been in dark places. I have seen no light and been afraid. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.
I have done things that I wish I hadn’t. I have felt crazy and on the verge of mental breakdown. I have hated life and dreaded death. I have been victimized and betrayed.
I have been both hardened and weakened. I have felt the pains of life without hope and the failure of justice.

And to this I owe no praise…
Governments and systems are failing
Betraying the ones who believe in them…
Intellect and doctrine,
Only illuminate so far
And then the writings on the wall slowly fade
Mirroring the images of man…
Evolving from one stage to the next
Created in the image of God…
Man lived without condemnation and failure….
Perfection was his key, life his door …
He gathered nothing but ate until he was full.
No need existed until he fell…
Eating that which was knowledge, the fruit of good and evil
Left naked and without covering
He imagined a blanket that would hide his soul…
Man forever living behind a veil,
The dead are living
And the living are dead…
Like vampires, we erect
When darkness covers the earth
And light impedes its glory,
Idols begin to fall...
And giants walk on water…
They saunter, then slip …
Wonder fills them all…
As the cry out to God,
“We don’t need another Hero. Heroes die young. Save us! Save us from ourselves.”

They taste His goodness,
His love never fails,
He has built the unimagined
His great good fills the earth
And makes it a place inhabitable again
They all look and behold, the Savior has come.