Last night, I was washing the dishes wishing that I had someone to talk to and I thought of my BFF, who just so happens to be preggers. I'm so excited for her and her family. She and her husband are expecting their 2nd child, a little girl, they are naming Grace. I had called her earlier in the day hoping to reach her but I got her voicemail. I didn't want to call her again. So I decided to talk to the Lord. I had been avoiding that conversation because I didn't want to get all weepy eyed and tearful. I don't think that I have allowed myself to hit my breaking point. I've been dancing around the idea of change and wanting it badly but not really committing myself to making the moves necessary to see those changes come to fruition in my life.
I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I feel like I've been climbing this insurmountable, jagged death trap for about 10 years. There have been peaks and valleys, dry places and stormy roads along the way, but I've kept my eyes on reaching the top. The top! I see it. There it is. Yes! Yes! I'm jumping, I'm laughing ! I'm shouting waving my hands . I look to my left and I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirage ... I realize that I've climbed the wrong mountain. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. Heck! I'm supposed to be over there. That mountain. Not this stupid, big hunk of crap! I climbed 10 years to get here! You mean I have to climb all the way down and around this and up that equally as large, jagged, insurmountable, hideous monstrosity over there.
Do you see? Do you see why I'm loosing focus here? (Smile) Ah, just rants. Just rants I tell you. I'll make it yet. I'll climb it yet. I will. I have to.