Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Real Deal

The Real Deal ... when I first began writing "The Lady's Rage" I found myself betwixt a rock and a hard place. I felt this urgency to "do" something with what I believed was a gift to express myself in the form of fiction and fantasy. As a child, I was very much performance driven. I loved performing, even if it was for myself. I would create comedy sketches and record myself doing various foreign accents and impersonations. I would play my recordings for my family and friends and they would die with laughter. I remember feeling "good" about my ability and I wanted more of that "good" feeling. And so, I kept creating. I pushed myself to invent new ways of performing. Not just tapes, but stories. And not just stories, but poems. And not just poems, but spoken word. And not just spoken word, but acting. And not just acting but directing. When I finally, slowed down from my ambition, I realized that to some degree I had become a slave to whatever ability I had. I began to measure my worth on the basis of whether or not I was "doing" something. I had to learn to see the value within and that my worth had nothing to do with performance.

This brings me back to my earlier post, "There's Something About Mary ..." What did she really do? Why her? I can literally here the kid sister in Eddie Murphy's Coming to America wail "How come she always gets the good ones?" After finding out that Hakeem, is really a Prince and not just a broke African national working at her father's fast food chain. It's kind of like that. What was it about Mary? Why her?I was actually meditating on that very fact this morning in the shower. I began to imagine. Let's see, Mary. I have held onto this idea that she was a mature woman. That she knew a thing or to about being in the face of God. She knew how to be intimate with Him and isolate herself from the cares of the world. She must of had some sort of revelation of God and was bowed down before him all of the time. Worshipping constantly, right? But wait a minute, the reality is that Mary was a kid. In today's culture, Joseph might be facing statutory rape charges. Seriously, though. I think that seeing her as a child changes things a bit. I am reminded of the scripture that says, "We must be like a child to enter into the kingdom of heaven."

There are so many promises that God has for us. So many wonderful and glorious parts of God that we barely get to see because our minds are clouded by "the cares of this world." A child has no cares, except to eat & be merry. Whatever enjoyment there is an life , a child is open to receive it. A child doesn't ask, "Do I deserve that?" "How much does it cost?" A child merely, says "Thanks!" A child receives. And so it is.

As I am transitioning from having had this "performance driven" way of writing into writing from my heart my true testimony and my real experiences, I am finding that I enjoy writing so much more. There is no stress. There is no headache. There is no pressure to perform.

I like that.

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