The Real Deal

The Real Deal ... when I first began writing "The Lady's Rage" I found myself betwixt a rock and a hard place. I felt this urgency to "do" something with what I believed was a gift to express myself in the form of fiction and fantasy. As a child, I was very much performance driven. I loved performing, even if it was for myself. I would create comedy sketches and record myself doing various foreign accents and impersonations. I would play my recordings for my family and friends and they would die with laughter. I remember feeling "good" about my ability and I wanted more of that "good" feeling. And so, I kept creating. I pushed myself to invent new ways of performing. Not just tapes, but stories. And not just stories, but poems. And not just poems, but spoken word. And not just spoken word, but acting. And not just acting but directing. When I finally, slowed down from my ambition, I realized that to some degree I had become a slave to whatever ability I had. I began to measure my worth on the basis of whether or not I was "doing" something. I had to learn to see the value within and that my worth had nothing to do with performance.

This brings me back to my earlier post, "There's Something About Mary ..." What did she really do? Why her? I can literally here the kid sister in Eddie Murphy's Coming to America wail "How come she always gets the good ones?" After finding out that Hakeem, is really a Prince and not just a broke African national working at her father's fast food chain. It's kind of like that. What was it about Mary? Why her?I was actually meditating on that very fact this morning in the shower. I began to imagine. Let's see, Mary. I have held onto this idea that she was a mature woman. That she knew a thing or to about being in the face of God. She knew how to be intimate with Him and isolate herself from the cares of the world. She must of had some sort of revelation of God and was bowed down before him all of the time. Worshipping constantly, right? But wait a minute, the reality is that Mary was a kid. In today's culture, Joseph might be facing statutory rape charges. Seriously, though. I think that seeing her as a child changes things a bit. I am reminded of the scripture that says, "We must be like a child to enter into the kingdom of heaven."

There are so many promises that God has for us. So many wonderful and glorious parts of God that we barely get to see because our minds are clouded by "the cares of this world." A child has no cares, except to eat & be merry. Whatever enjoyment there is an life , a child is open to receive it. A child doesn't ask, "Do I deserve that?" "How much does it cost?" A child merely, says "Thanks!" A child receives. And so it is.

As I am transitioning from having had this "performance driven" way of writing into writing from my heart my true testimony and my real experiences, I am finding that I enjoy writing so much more. There is no stress. There is no headache. There is no pressure to perform.

I like that.

There's Something About Mary ...

I'm not Catholic. And I don't hail, Mary. But I do think that her name is worth mentioning in the context of this blog. Mary, mother of grace, I believe she has been called. And yet, her name means sorrow. I have found her story a very interesting one throughout the years. There have been films made about her & her son that depict the young Hebrew woman as a quiet and mysterious soul. Not much is known about her apart from the Miracle she birthed and yet she was chosen among others? Why? What was it about Mary?

I believe that like Mary, many of us have fallen in the catagory of "saint" who has been chosen among others; not on the basis of perfection, holiness or status ... but merely by saying what Mary said, "May it be to me as you have said." It hasn't been stated nearly enough, that Mary wasn't perfect. (Please don't stone me.) But she did believe that what was told her, however, extraordinary, was DO-ABLE, not because of her own ability but by His (The Lord's) ability. I love that! There is so much freedom (as scripture says, "it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free" ) in knowing that the promise of God is not disabled by my inability. I love worshipping the Lord as El Shaddai, God Almighty, All sufficient because it takes the pressure to perform off of me and puts it (the pressure) on Him, who is ABLE to bear ALL things.

Excellence, Perfection, Maturity and Dust

"Am I getting old? I am old." A woman in her late 30s whispered to me. I thought, gee, I'll be 30 in 4 months, but I don't feel old. I don't look old. I don't act old. But, maybe I am old. Am I that lady who thinks she's in her prime when the reality is that certain unmentionables have gone south for "forever" and she really shouldn't be wearing that top at all! Perhaps, I'm not so outlandish, but I have noticed myself "thinking" ... Am I too old for that? And so here I am examining myself , wondering what is the difference between excellence & perfection ... maturity and dust.

There was an elderly man on the Commuter bus last week on my way to work who said, "I'm getting to old for this!" In reference to his bowels (yes, he was discussing his bowels, flatulence and other embarrassing situations he has found himself in on the highways & byways of life). And to my surprise the woman who had whispered to me only a day before, "Am I getting old? I am old." Stunningly, replied to the old man, "You're only has old has you feel." And so, I was perplexed.

I've noticed a trend all these years commuting ...people like to talk about their problems. They like to feel sorry for themselves. They like to discuss their woes. Almost every single person that I commute with has shared with me (or I've overheard ... ) some horrible tale or some life threatening issue. And while it is saddening to note, I realized that there are alot of people in pain, without answers. I realized that apart of maturity isn't beating yourself up because you have not. Apart of maturity is however, listening to the hearts of people and responding with answers that save. It's so much easier to chime in and say, "yeah, me too, my back hurts too. My husband left me too. My kids are crazy too." And while you may be able to relate to the woes, apart of maturity, is saying, "It gets better and I won't let you sulk. I'm going to tell you what you need to hear even if you don't want to hear it." I'm going to be the one at the end of the day that challenges you to get off of your Cry Baby Babble and onto the next phase.

I'm guilty, yes. In fact, I'm guilty like yesterday. Feeling sorry for myself because I have bills I can't pay & time away from my family, and yada yada yada. But wait a minute, I have breath in my body, hair on my head, children that are healthy, a husband that loves me ... a promise from God. Perfection isn't never failing ... Perfection is never failing to believe!