Saturday, February 21, 2009
I woke up this moring earlier than usual for a Saturday, first at 5 then at 6. My stomach felt like a calderon all night and I just kept tossing and turning. Finally I got out of bed and just went and talked to the Lord. I wanted to share this because I felt like maybe there was someone out there who might be feeling what I was feeling. I had been feeling this pressure to perform, an unreasonable desire to fulfill someone elses' expecations of me. And slowly this pressure started boiling over into a type of misery. I wanted to just hide myself and bask in self pity. Saying, "I will never be what I want to be. I will never do what I want to do. I will always be just good enough but never exceptional". This could not be further from the truth, as I talked to the Lord and opened up my heart to him, I began to realize something incredibly simple. " I can't be anything, other than who I was created to be." I can't long for something that I already have. It's like Michael Jordan wishing he could play basketball or Barack Obama wishing he were President or God, wishing he were God. Imagine that?? So I have elected not to identify myself outside of God's grace and the free gifts that He has given me ~ (I didn't merit life, I didn't endow myself with ability, I didn't choose any of these things they just happened to be there.) And so, I won't live my life in fear that I will some how fail to be who I already am. His Highness, His tangibility, His incredible love is the highest level of achievement. If there was anything that could be achieved, it we be the the ability to simply recieve from God all that He has freely given to each and everyone of us.