The Highness

I woke up this moring earlier than usual for a Saturday, first at 5 then at 6. My stomach felt like a calderon all night and I just kept tossing and turning. Finally I got out of bed and just went and talked to the Lord. I wanted to share this because I felt like maybe there was someone out there who might be feeling what I was feeling. I had been feeling this pressure to perform, an unreasonable desire to fulfill someone elses' expecations of me. And slowly this pressure started boiling over into a type of misery. I wanted to just hide myself and bask in self pity. Saying, "I will never be what I want to be. I will never do what I want to do. I will always be just good enough but never exceptional". This could not be further from the truth, as I talked to the Lord and opened up my heart to him, I began to realize something incredibly simple. " I can't be anything, other than who I was created to be." I can't long for something that I already have. It's like Michael Jordan wishing he could play basketball or Barack Obama wishing he were President or God, wishing he were God. Imagine that?? So I have elected not to identify myself outside of God's grace and the free gifts that He has given me ~ (I didn't merit life, I didn't endow myself with ability, I didn't choose any of these things they just happened to be there.) And so, I won't live my life in fear that I will some how fail to be who I already am. His Highness, His tangibility, His incredible love is the highest level of achievement. If there was anything that could be achieved, it we be the the ability to simply recieve from God all that He has freely given to each and everyone of us.

Saturdays with my Dad

Ahhh ... Saturday. I love to wake up on Saturday Mornings before everyone else and just spend time with my Dad. Its my favorite thing to do. I'm trying to be more disciplined in getting that one on one with him during the week as well. My schedule is such that I squeeze in my study of the word in the mornings and afternoons on the train. I'm always talking to dad but there is something about isolating myself from sound and distraction and traffic and work and all of the things that make life so vibrant. Certainly, I can marvel at the sway of the trees in the wind, and brightness of the sun and the glory of each day. I like to take the time to smell the roses. But even more, time a way with the Lord is time well spent. I'm always so invigorated by the time that I get to spend with him,my Dad.

I am also training myself to call him Dad more than I call Him God because I think He likes it. (smile). When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He told them to pray to their "Father". Its a small change that makes a huge impact. It seems that the slightest adjustments make the biggest changes. In the beginning, I found it hard to call him Dad. I thought that I was being disrespectful. Then I found myself weeping, that I hadn't ever saw myself as a true child of god. That I saw myself as mere peasant at his feet hoping to receive whatever blessings fell on me. Over time it has become so much easier for me to see Him as a dad who loves me no matter what. And knowing this incredible love inspires me to be a better daughter. I don't take for granted the love that has been given to me, but I make it a priority to not forget about my dad.
Thanks Dad. I love you and I appreciate you.

Ask ... What do you want?

I have been at a crossroads. And the only consolation that I have is a promise. A promise that I cannot let go of; and further more will not let go of me. I must say that I have been walking along this winding road to perdition since 1995, a mere thirteen years. And along this road, I have noticed a trend. Whenever I get to a place where I have to make the grueling and faithful decision to either turn left or right, I am met with great difficulty. The difficulty isn't in whether or not left is better than right. The difficulty is much more complex because left and right are not decidedly wrong or right, but better or best. And the choice to choose is determined by whether or not I am willing to go the distance for what is better.

What is best is good. Its a shorter walk, less foliage with sporadic trails of water bottles and edible seeds, plants and berries. Its a comfortable, slightly warm yet breezy trot along a sandy path. The better route is promising. It is a hopeless dangle of vines, weeds and thorns, random beast and desert plain. There are no adventurers past or those left behind to encourage you along the way. Only a dark, lonely shoot until you get to Eden. The promised land. An until death do you part, marriage of faith and diligence.

I have lacked strength in areas of faith. At times compromising my belief to dote on the unfairness of life. Questioning the soundness of faithful exercise. Lifting my arms in total surrender weakened by my own passions. I've left myself alone and thought about the reasons why I've chosen to go the long and narrow route. Time after time, met with this decision, knowing its penalty. To the benefit of knowledge, I would I have to say that Christ, alone,for has done more me than I have done for him. Although, I have begged to differ with him at these crossroads. I have always returned to the same truth. He saved me. When I was a little girl and confused and torn and raped ... He saved me. He healed me. He treasured me as His own. And though I cannot touch Him, I feel Him always. And though I can not look him in His eyes and wonder at His mystery. I know him. I know Him as friend, and savior and confident. I know Him. He saved me.

So I turn Him in these moments, when I am met with decision. And I simply ask, what do you want? Faithfully, He responds, " I want what the very best for you. Not just what is good, but what is perfect. Choose what is better."

ABC's - A Patient Reminder to Faith & Love

Cry Freedom …

My soul weeps. Hear me if you can.

When I last wrote, I left spontaneously and I had planned to write later on the same day. I felt like the theme was weighty and I wanted to be focused and not distracted by work.

I want to write for a moment on the subject of sin. To some degree I feel like I have the Herculean task of speaking a message to believers and non-believers alike; and with regard to both I feel compassion. For the believer who struggles to have a pure view of Christ in the face of many obstacles, not because you have determined to reject God but purely because you have done the exact opposite in receiving Him as Lord of your life. On the other hand there are people who deny the power of God because they don’t have a right perception of Him. To both, however, the subject of sin does apply.

As I was meditating earlier this week, I thought about my own personal struggles with sin, as both a believer and a deceiver. To most people, and not to toot my own horn, I am “just precious”. No one could imagine “Natrietia” having an impure, unholy, mean spirited thought at anytime or any place of life. But I have fought throughout my Christian life to dispose this untruth. And for the first time in the history of “The Lady’s Rage” myspace page … I am going to say loud and very clearly …

“I suck. I struggle. I make mistakes. I made a mistake this week. I yell. I get angry. I feel pain. I hurt. I think sometimes that I don’t wan to do this faith thing anymore. I cry.”

In fact, today this morning as I am writing, my daughter, Ari El, wants my attention and I have to stop and listen to her recite her ABC’s for the umpteenth time. My baby, Chloe, woke up unusually early and has postponed my prayer time this morning. Both of these things, slightly irritate me because I am so focused on “doing” what I feel needs to be done in the moment that I am doing it. Hearing ABC’s for the millionth time and a sleepy child who refuses to go back to sleep, when you are trying to focus your attention on an important thing, is frustrating. Not the “nicest” thing to say but notice, though that I didn’t say, It was MORE important.

I have learned and am continuing to learn to be a better mother. Not one who selfishly pursues her own righteousness by works but one who can take time out from ambition, to say “Hey, Baby let me hear you ABC’s.” Let me affirm you. Let me bring you some comfort. Let me rock you back to sleep. This is love. And Love is what I am after.

I mentioned previously, my uncomfortably with writing about the obvious repercussions to a life of sin. Obviously, no one wants or likes to point fingers and honestly, that is not my job. My job here is not to say, “Liar, liar pants on fire!” My occupation is to impart faith to you, so that you will believe that Christ has already paid the price for whatever sins that you deal with. If its lust? If it’s lying? If it’s stealing? If it’s hating? If it’s bickering? Christ died so that you could live.

According to the Law of Moses (aka “The Thou Shalt Nots”) if you did it you die, you cannot have communion with God. The only way out of it is to bring a sacrifice. In the case of you and I, Christ is “that” sacrifice. He died once and for all. He doesn’t have to die repeatedly for sin. He doesn’t have to come to your house, knock on your door and say, “Hi, I’m J.C. I’m selling forgiveness, want some?” Sin is done with, the price has been paid.

The problem with our culture is salvation is treated like an exclusive right. Only the “good people” get in. If you are a sinner then, in text messaging terms you are (S.O.L) and if you don’t know what that means then, n/m. (LOL).

Salvation isn’t exclusive to the elite. Salvation isn’t a member’s only club. In fact the parable that Jesus gave to his disciples was this:

“A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guest. At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited,”Come, for everything is now ready.’ But they all alike began to make excuses… The servant came back and reported this to his master … then the owner of the house … ordered his servant “Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.” Luke 14: 16-18, 21

In invitation has been made, you need only come. When He calls you, answer, accept the invitation. You don’t have to be perfect; you don’t have to own a house and two luxury cars. You don’t have to be a virgin. You don’t have to know how to budget your checkbook. You don’t have to wear a dress. You just need to believe. Believe in the awesomeness of the Lord. The greatness of His love for you. Believe that you are worthy, by God’s choosing, to receive the gift of eternal life.

My soul cries out. I’m weeping for change. Not because I have done something so horrible that I need forgiveness. But I am crying out to the Lost and to those who because of their sin believe that they can have no communion with God.

As it relates to the series of writings about The Nobility of Righteousness – I though tit integral to the conversation to address sin. Because sin is no longer the issue. Christ already took care of that. The issue is a matter of perception. Do you think you’re evil? Are you convinced that you have fallen from grace? Do you believe that you are condemned because you made a mistake?

Hebrews 5:13-14 “Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.”

Salvation is the milk. Righteousness is the meat.

The power and the ability to resist temptation and sin in your life are by faith. You can believe something about yourself and begin to manifest it by entertaining those thoughts. If what you perceive about yourself is negative and you meditate in the negativity long enough, it will lead to sin. If what you believe about yourself is positive, meditate in it. As Phil 4: 8, expresses, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

Let me pray for you:

Lord, I pray that you would give peace to my friends. Help them in the areas of their lives where the struggle the most. Teach them about your love and show them that you care. Don’t let them think badly about themselves. But help them to see that they are worthy, by grace, to receive the very best that you have for them. Don’t let them settle for anything less than the very best. I know you Lord and you are good. There is no love like your love. And I just want my friends to know that you can help them. Jesus died for our sins and we can’t save ourselves. Save us Lord. Help us Lord. And we are saved. Thank you Lord for all of your goodness. I know that you have changed our lives today.

Amen.

In closing, I just want to share that though I have struggled to mature in certain areas of my life, I am in no way despondent. I know that God’s grace and love is sufficient to save me. Even when I “feel” like the challenges are too great for me and I just want to throw in my towel. I am convinced that the Lord loves me and will help me. The Lord has never failed me and I know that He never will. The challenges that I face exist only to make me stronger. If I keep in step with the Spirit of the Lord and do not deny his invitation to experience closer relationship, I know that I will only get stronger and better. I’m saved today not because I’m perfect or better or a more moral person than anyone else. I am saved today because of Jesus Christ. And whatever good that you see in me, know that its Christ who stands out in me.

I love you all and I hope that you have a wonderful day!

Xoxo, Natrietia

My Space Page

I'm on MYspace. Check me out at www.myspace.com/theladysrage. Thanks for the support & prayers.