May 8, 2010
Last night your father and I were listening to Dr. Mike Murdock, a man filled with the wisdom of God who suggested that whatever life lessons or wisdom keys that God gives you that you should write them down as a legacy. I have always been a writer and have kept a journal most of my life. I had considered a while ago writing a book for my daughters, since I have two of you, that put into words all of the wonderful things that God has done and revealed in my life. This is that book. My daughters, I love you very much. And as much as both your father and I love you there is no love greater than the love that God has for you. His love alone is the foundation of everything that dad and I do. As you grow and mature into your individual walks with God I want you to know that everything that you want in life or could possibly dream up for yourself is found in Him. His plan and purpose for you is ultimate and if you trust in Him you will never be disappointed. I have heard and read and seen many wonderful things in my short life. One of, but certainly not the only, life changing words I have heard was from Dr. Mike Murdock. He said that he came to a point in his Christian walk where he was tired of being broke. And he read Luke 6:38, which says, “Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running ever, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” And he asked, God, “So if I give than it will be given back to me?” He meditated in that and compared it to John 3:16 which says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” When he compared the two scriptures he asked himself, “How can I believe God concerning my soul and not concerning my finances?” And from that point he began to prosper financially because what he heard from God he applied. That is what wisdom is. Applied knowledge. You can gain understanding of some things through life experience. And you can read a book and tell me the intricacies of its story and characters and paint a picture of what you have read. But whether or not what you have read or learned becomes apart of the fabric of your person or a part of your life is contingent on whether or not what you have learned is applied. What you know doesn’t change you until you actually do it. What Dr. Murdock said changed me in this way. If I can trust God with my eternal soul, which is unseen to me, then how can I not trust him concerning my temporary life here on earth? It would seem strange to give my life to an invisible God and trust that He hears and sees my heart; yet, be distrusting of him concerning the tangible things that I deal with every day. I believe that God, like us, or rather we like him since we were created in HIS image and likeness, are designed to manifest or demonstrate God’s glorious nature both physically (naturally, tangibly) as well as spiritually (supernaturally, indescribably).
There is nothing impossible to God. There is no part of you that he cannot touch and change if you let him, but you have a role to play in what God is able to do for and through you. You have to apply yourself to knowledge. You have to see yourself as God sees you. And this is not for the faint of heart. Life will throw you all kinds of monkey wrenches but if you trust in the Lord you will never go astray. Even when things look like they are going all wrong, believe me I speak from experience with the knowledge that I have learned from God to apply, that things are going all right for you because you put your trust in Him. Seeing yourself as God sees you takes courage because it so much easier to believe negative points of view. It’s easier to say to yourself, I’m limited. I don’t have enough. I’m sick and will never be well. I don’t have what it takes. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares. I’m all alone. That’s easy. But to say, I have what I need. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I have a purpose. I am special. That is not easy, and it takes discipline. Discipline requires dedication. Dedication is holy. If you dedicate something it is set apart, it is holy. It is assigned for a specific person or purpose. For example, I have dedicated this book to you. That means that I set aside the contents of this work and I assigned specific significance to it for you. But the discipline or the required actions that I must take in order to reach my desired results comes from my dedication. If I do not dedicate or make holy this work than the discipline to do it will be lacking. It is the same with your walk with God. If he is not dedicated in your heart and mind and soul as holy, then the discipline to seek him will be lacking because you have not assigned a specific purpose to what it is you engage in. The best example I can offer is prayer. Prayer is a discipline. It is a required action that every believer should and must take in order to reach the desired results (or will) of God for their lives. But if God, is not dedicated in your heart then the desire to pray to Him will not be a priority because you have not assigned a purpose or a desired result to your prayer. I have found that far too many people pray vaguely or inconsistently and expect precise and consistent results. Your dad says, “You cannot get from a mustard seed an apple tree.” What he means is that you cannot reap what you have not sown. There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. If change is going to happen in you then guess what, YOU have to change. And that takes discipline.
Discipline is an action. It is something that is done. It is active. When you pray, my daughters, you are taking action. You are putting into effect with your words the divine will of God by declaring what He says about you and Himself. You will know more about yourself the more that you know about Him. And the more you know about Him the more you will know his will, his nature and his character. The discipline of prayer is twofold, because while you engage in this action you are allowing God to discipline you. He is your Heavenly Father and His word says that “He ‘disciplines’ the ones he loves.” His discipline always evokes change because His purpose is to replicate his nature, his character and ability in you. When you take time to pray you are allowing God to discipline your thoughts, perceptions and desires in accordance to his word, which is truth and life to your soul and physical body. The Lord takes action concerning you. He has dedicated you to Himself through Christ. He gave of Himself, His son, for the purpose of gaining a whole family. You are His daughters and He loves you very much. He will never ask you to give anything that He himself is not willing to give to you. You cannot give to God anything that he hasn’t already given to you. So when you find yourself at a crossroads and are unsure if you can trust God concerning anything, always remember that he has a never ending supply of grace and strength and love reserved for you. He has dedicated His best just for you and when you want it you can have it, but you must ask it from Him and when you ask don’t be afraid or ashamed to receive it. It’s yours. Your name is written on it.
I love you.
Mom
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
There Will Be Blood
When your nature begins to rise,
And the veins in your neck begin to bulge
And sweat beads form above your lip ...
The words burning at your tongue ...
There will be blood.
When your souls cries out of the window
Of your life and you look yourself in the eye for the first time
And see yourself as you once were
And not as you have been ...
There will be blood.
When you live for something worth dying for
And have made the crooked places straight,
When you've righted your wrongs
And forgiven everyone who has hurt you ...
There will be blood.
When you've managed to loose yourself completely
In the pursuit of loveAnd chaos no longer mirrors your life
When what used to confuse you brings
No memory of past failures or remote sadness ...
When you can close your eyes at the end of the day
And enjoy the peace and the quiet.
There will be blood.
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5
And the veins in your neck begin to bulge
And sweat beads form above your lip ...
The words burning at your tongue ...
There will be blood.
When your souls cries out of the window
Of your life and you look yourself in the eye for the first time
And see yourself as you once were
And not as you have been ...
There will be blood.
When you live for something worth dying for
And have made the crooked places straight,
When you've righted your wrongs
And forgiven everyone who has hurt you ...
There will be blood.
When you've managed to loose yourself completely
In the pursuit of loveAnd chaos no longer mirrors your life
When what used to confuse you brings
No memory of past failures or remote sadness ...
When you can close your eyes at the end of the day
And enjoy the peace and the quiet.
There will be blood.
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Start to Finish ...
I didn’t start to finish. I started only to make myself feel like I was doing something and in the end I accomplished nothing.
My greatest offense to God has probably been my lack of obedience. Often times wavering at His promises to essentially have my own opinions. I have watched my opinions crumble and His promises miraculously resurrect from the explosion. I’m not a willful sinner; in fact I am not a sinner at all. I believe and know that my sins have been forgiven. But sin, is a necessary variable. It allows for grace. And grace, though it should be in high demand, “for all have sinned and fall short” of it, appears to have taken a back seat to sacrifice.
On my altar, I have sacrificed, time, energy, peace, joy and rest in the name of Natrietia. I have held up my opinion in the face of God and said in not so many words, “I think I can do it myself. I know you said to do it this way, but that takes away from ME getting some of the credit. So I’ll do it but just not the way you said. Okay?”
And there began, the end…
The moment that I take away from God the ability to please Himself, is the moment that I take away His ability to make His pleasure known to me. It is written that, “without faith it is impossible to please God.” And while, this sort of scriptural reference nicks at the heart of everyone who likes to take things into their own hands and/or misunderstands God’s pleasure... there is a light at the end of this tunnel…
Faith pleases God because it allows him to display His goodness to us. His pleasure is not to make life living hell for human beings. His pleasure is to give us life, like heaven on earth. We are his creation. He calls us his sons & daughters. Why in the world would it please him to destroy what he created?
I make a good meatloaf. I don’t make it often, but when I do I put time and energy into making it. I get my meats ready (Beef, Pork & Turkey) and select specific seasonings (chef’s secret). I add a few other ingredients and I take special care to mix and mold the meat into a perfect loaf. I put the meat loaf in a casserole dish, ladle my special tomato sauce over it and I bake it. When it’s done, I place it on the table where my family sits eager to eat the meal I’ve prepared. And then I uncharacteristically, remove it from the table with my hands and slam it on the counter. Bashing it with my bare hands until it is a pile of crumbled, saucy meat. I then proceed, to throw it in the garbage disposal for no apparent reason as my children watch in horror. And... Scene.
It’s apparent that this type of behavior is irrational. Not so apparent, is the ineffectiveness of sacrificial works. You can put time and energy into doing nothing. You can wear yourself out walking in circle. You can drive yourself crazy with ambition and accomplish nothing. You can feel like a success and be a failure.
I heard God speak to me. He told me a long time ago that I was writer. I wake up almost everyday with a new idea or some business plan that He has shown me. And then, with it I do what I want. I start it but I do not finish it. And I don’t finish it because I am looking to myself to complete it. I am trusting in Natrietia’s creativity, ingenuity, time, energy, effectiveness, ability to perform, etcetera, etcetera … I told a friend mine yesterday that “I’m a great starter, but somewhere in the middle I loose it and I don’t finish.”
This morning I woke up with a new attitude. I apologized to my Daddy God for not listening to him when I should have. And He forgave me.
“Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.”
Faith pleases God because it corresponds with His very nature. He is invisible but His ability is evident.
“The Heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.” Psalm 19:1-3
I am starting to finish not because I want to make a name for myself; but because I want the will of God to be done in my life. I understand more clearly what His will is. His will is to freely express His goodness to me. And the only way that He can do that is if I take faith in Him. I must believe like the scripture says; that He, My Daddy God, “takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants” And, that He My Daddy God “rewards those who seek Him diligently.”
I pray, that those of you who have been like me, always starting, never finishing will see the completion of your faith. Our Father loves us and is faithful to complete His promises.
With Love from Above ♥
My greatest offense to God has probably been my lack of obedience. Often times wavering at His promises to essentially have my own opinions. I have watched my opinions crumble and His promises miraculously resurrect from the explosion. I’m not a willful sinner; in fact I am not a sinner at all. I believe and know that my sins have been forgiven. But sin, is a necessary variable. It allows for grace. And grace, though it should be in high demand, “for all have sinned and fall short” of it, appears to have taken a back seat to sacrifice.
On my altar, I have sacrificed, time, energy, peace, joy and rest in the name of Natrietia. I have held up my opinion in the face of God and said in not so many words, “I think I can do it myself. I know you said to do it this way, but that takes away from ME getting some of the credit. So I’ll do it but just not the way you said. Okay?”
And there began, the end…
The moment that I take away from God the ability to please Himself, is the moment that I take away His ability to make His pleasure known to me. It is written that, “without faith it is impossible to please God.” And while, this sort of scriptural reference nicks at the heart of everyone who likes to take things into their own hands and/or misunderstands God’s pleasure... there is a light at the end of this tunnel…
Faith pleases God because it allows him to display His goodness to us. His pleasure is not to make life living hell for human beings. His pleasure is to give us life, like heaven on earth. We are his creation. He calls us his sons & daughters. Why in the world would it please him to destroy what he created?
I make a good meatloaf. I don’t make it often, but when I do I put time and energy into making it. I get my meats ready (Beef, Pork & Turkey) and select specific seasonings (chef’s secret). I add a few other ingredients and I take special care to mix and mold the meat into a perfect loaf. I put the meat loaf in a casserole dish, ladle my special tomato sauce over it and I bake it. When it’s done, I place it on the table where my family sits eager to eat the meal I’ve prepared. And then I uncharacteristically, remove it from the table with my hands and slam it on the counter. Bashing it with my bare hands until it is a pile of crumbled, saucy meat. I then proceed, to throw it in the garbage disposal for no apparent reason as my children watch in horror. And... Scene.
It’s apparent that this type of behavior is irrational. Not so apparent, is the ineffectiveness of sacrificial works. You can put time and energy into doing nothing. You can wear yourself out walking in circle. You can drive yourself crazy with ambition and accomplish nothing. You can feel like a success and be a failure.
I heard God speak to me. He told me a long time ago that I was writer. I wake up almost everyday with a new idea or some business plan that He has shown me. And then, with it I do what I want. I start it but I do not finish it. And I don’t finish it because I am looking to myself to complete it. I am trusting in Natrietia’s creativity, ingenuity, time, energy, effectiveness, ability to perform, etcetera, etcetera … I told a friend mine yesterday that “I’m a great starter, but somewhere in the middle I loose it and I don’t finish.”
This morning I woke up with a new attitude. I apologized to my Daddy God for not listening to him when I should have. And He forgave me.
“Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.”
Faith pleases God because it corresponds with His very nature. He is invisible but His ability is evident.
“The Heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.” Psalm 19:1-3
I am starting to finish not because I want to make a name for myself; but because I want the will of God to be done in my life. I understand more clearly what His will is. His will is to freely express His goodness to me. And the only way that He can do that is if I take faith in Him. I must believe like the scripture says; that He, My Daddy God, “takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servants” And, that He My Daddy God “rewards those who seek Him diligently.”
I pray, that those of you who have been like me, always starting, never finishing will see the completion of your faith. Our Father loves us and is faithful to complete His promises.
With Love from Above ♥
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Why I Fell In Love (Pt. 1)
Love is a many splendid thing, but love isn’t for the faint of heart. Love is an action word that many of us neglect to do. Love isn’t a feeling that gushes from some private place. Love isn’t hidden so deep in your heart that you need a magnifying glass and pliers to pry it from. Love is simple and complex, all in the same breath. Love is varied and if you apply it well, you’ll watch it grow. Love is the basis of life and the fulfillment of it. Love is like a tree that grows, from its roots to its branches… Love is a necessary part of our human experience…
(To be continued)
(To be continued)
Saturday, July 11, 2009
WHAT I WANT MORE
There is a level of insecurity I face when I look in the mirror.
Brokenness I can not ignore.
In spite of my beauty
Or perhaps, lack there of,
I am emotionally stained
Afraid to look deeper into my person,
My woman hood…
My dark veil that hides my true feelings
I smile and I tarry,
Hoping that someone will save me
From myself,
I am hateful,
Void
Judging
Empty
Slipping into an insane world,
Need I say more?
I’ve felt that empty stinging
That lifeless pain
Not knowing that it was
Apart of growing.
Sick of being so alone,
Untouched
I want more …
There are a lot of things that I want, but what I want more is to be loved. To know that I am loved without condition. To know that if I surrender my all I will not be taken advantage of. To know that if I give my heart away that it want be broken into a million little pieces. To know that if I lay it out all on the table I want be laughed at…
I don’t have a lot of friends. I have met a lot of people. But I don’t know if people really get me and to some degree I think I’ve paid too much attention to the way I am perceived by them. At some point, though I have to care less about people’s opinions and more about their souls. I really don’t care to be liked, as long as I love.
I realized sometime ago that I liked to write. There was a time in my life that writing so defined me that I could not see my value outside of my ability. This was scary, especially, since what defined me was taken from me. I made a decision to fall in love with my husband and to become a mother. I made a choice to follow God wherever He led. This upset a lot of people, including myself, because we had put so much stake in my gift to write and perform that when I stopped writing and performing, I looked more like a failure than a success. I spent several years fighting to get back to a place that essentially did not love nor appreciate me for me. When the bible says, “A friend is gained in the day adversity,” it’s not saying that to sound meaningful, it really is a true statement. I have gained truer friends while I was sleeping on the floor than performing on a stage.
I don’t want to be a party pooper. I’m not trying to ruin anybody’s buzz. But I do like to “keep it real”. Tell me the truth? Do you really prefer living your life as though none of this sh%# matters, when you really know it bugs the hell out of you. Our generation isn’t the generation that sticks its head in the sand and says it will all be over if I hide from me. We our confrontational. We ask questions. We say, hey this doesn’t measure up, Mom? Hey, Dad you lied to me.
When I talk to God, I have explicit candor. I don’t say, “Holy Father, thou art so Holy and I know that I am just a peon that could never ask you any questions.” I say, “Dad, this concerns me, tell me what to do,” I say, “Dad, I’m a mess and I need you to help me.” And I have even said, “God, this is hard and I don’t want this anymore, why are you making things so hard?” And He laughs and patiently loves me through my tantrum.
I share this because I know that I am not the only one who asks these questions or considers them. It concerns me deeply that people have so many internal issues and they hold them inside because they feel like they have no out.
I can’t truly be myself or be vulnerable because people will take advantage of me, hurt me, use my weakness against me or think I’m a weirdo when all I want is to fit in and be accepted. Everyone needs to be affirmed. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world. That’s part of our humanity. Relationships are valuable. But a relationship with another flawed, imperfect human will never fulfill you.
Relationship with your Heavenly Father will. When you open yourself up and allow yourself to cry it all out and say, “Hey I struggle with this. I need this.” You take the first step and your father takes twenty more towards you. He embraces you like the daughter he has longed for.
I don’t mean to romanticize this thing. But I have experienced the glory and majesty of relationship with God and I have been to the pit of darkness. It was Christ who saved me. It was Christ who gave me hope. It was Christ who showed me who I was. It was Christ who gave me an out! It was Christ. In this culture it would be much more comfortable for me to say, “Whatever works, works.” But that isn’t my testimony.
If I had witnessed a crime and had been asked to testify against the person I saw commit the crime. How valuable my testimony would be? On the flip side, I am witness to the goodness of God; yet, some people hear it and disbelieve. They question my intentions, my intellect, my character, etc…
Do I want to be heard? Yes. But what I want more is to love.
Brokenness I can not ignore.
In spite of my beauty
Or perhaps, lack there of,
I am emotionally stained
Afraid to look deeper into my person,
My woman hood…
My dark veil that hides my true feelings
I smile and I tarry,
Hoping that someone will save me
From myself,
I am hateful,
Void
Judging
Empty
Slipping into an insane world,
Need I say more?
I’ve felt that empty stinging
That lifeless pain
Not knowing that it was
Apart of growing.
Sick of being so alone,
Untouched
I want more …
There are a lot of things that I want, but what I want more is to be loved. To know that I am loved without condition. To know that if I surrender my all I will not be taken advantage of. To know that if I give my heart away that it want be broken into a million little pieces. To know that if I lay it out all on the table I want be laughed at…
I don’t have a lot of friends. I have met a lot of people. But I don’t know if people really get me and to some degree I think I’ve paid too much attention to the way I am perceived by them. At some point, though I have to care less about people’s opinions and more about their souls. I really don’t care to be liked, as long as I love.
I realized sometime ago that I liked to write. There was a time in my life that writing so defined me that I could not see my value outside of my ability. This was scary, especially, since what defined me was taken from me. I made a decision to fall in love with my husband and to become a mother. I made a choice to follow God wherever He led. This upset a lot of people, including myself, because we had put so much stake in my gift to write and perform that when I stopped writing and performing, I looked more like a failure than a success. I spent several years fighting to get back to a place that essentially did not love nor appreciate me for me. When the bible says, “A friend is gained in the day adversity,” it’s not saying that to sound meaningful, it really is a true statement. I have gained truer friends while I was sleeping on the floor than performing on a stage.
I don’t want to be a party pooper. I’m not trying to ruin anybody’s buzz. But I do like to “keep it real”. Tell me the truth? Do you really prefer living your life as though none of this sh%# matters, when you really know it bugs the hell out of you. Our generation isn’t the generation that sticks its head in the sand and says it will all be over if I hide from me. We our confrontational. We ask questions. We say, hey this doesn’t measure up, Mom? Hey, Dad you lied to me.
When I talk to God, I have explicit candor. I don’t say, “Holy Father, thou art so Holy and I know that I am just a peon that could never ask you any questions.” I say, “Dad, this concerns me, tell me what to do,” I say, “Dad, I’m a mess and I need you to help me.” And I have even said, “God, this is hard and I don’t want this anymore, why are you making things so hard?” And He laughs and patiently loves me through my tantrum.
I share this because I know that I am not the only one who asks these questions or considers them. It concerns me deeply that people have so many internal issues and they hold them inside because they feel like they have no out.
I can’t truly be myself or be vulnerable because people will take advantage of me, hurt me, use my weakness against me or think I’m a weirdo when all I want is to fit in and be accepted. Everyone needs to be affirmed. Everyone wants to feel like they have a place in the world. That’s part of our humanity. Relationships are valuable. But a relationship with another flawed, imperfect human will never fulfill you.
Relationship with your Heavenly Father will. When you open yourself up and allow yourself to cry it all out and say, “Hey I struggle with this. I need this.” You take the first step and your father takes twenty more towards you. He embraces you like the daughter he has longed for.
I don’t mean to romanticize this thing. But I have experienced the glory and majesty of relationship with God and I have been to the pit of darkness. It was Christ who saved me. It was Christ who gave me hope. It was Christ who showed me who I was. It was Christ who gave me an out! It was Christ. In this culture it would be much more comfortable for me to say, “Whatever works, works.” But that isn’t my testimony.
If I had witnessed a crime and had been asked to testify against the person I saw commit the crime. How valuable my testimony would be? On the flip side, I am witness to the goodness of God; yet, some people hear it and disbelieve. They question my intentions, my intellect, my character, etc…
Do I want to be heard? Yes. But what I want more is to love.
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