I’ve been in dark places. I have seen no light and been afraid. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.
I have done things that I wish I hadn’t. I have felt crazy and on the verge of mental breakdown. I have hated life and dreaded death. I have been victimized and betrayed.
I have been both hardened and weakened. I have felt the pains of life without hope and the failure of justice.
And to this I owe no praise…
Governments and systems are failing
Betraying the ones who believe in them…
Intellect and doctrine,
Only illuminate so far
And then the writings on the wall slowly fade
Mirroring the images of man…
Evolving from one stage to the next
Created in the image of God…
Man lived without condemnation and failure….
Perfection was his key, life his door …
He gathered nothing but ate until he was full.
No need existed until he fell…
Eating that which was knowledge, the fruit of good and evil
Left naked and without covering
He imagined a blanket that would hide his soul…
Man forever living behind a veil,
Unmasked,
The dead are living
And the living are dead…
Like vampires, we erect
When darkness covers the earth
And light impedes its glory,
Slowly
Idols begin to fall...
And giants walk on water…
They saunter, then slip …
Wonder fills them all…
As the cry out to God,
“We don’t need another Hero. Heroes die young. Save us! Save us from ourselves.”
They taste His goodness,
His love never fails,
He has built the unimagined
His great good fills the earth
And makes it a place inhabitable again
They all look and behold, the Savior has come.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
The Pursuit of way Too Happiness
So, I got to thinking this morning about what makes me “way too” happy (thanks E, you inspired me) and how such happiness could be construed as excessive. Here is what I discovered:
1) Having peace of mind makes me incredibly happy. Stress and anxiety are dead ends for me.
2) Having a good relationship with my husband makes me happy. Having a good foundation to build on is the key.
3) Giving and receiving unconditional love makes me happy.
4) Knowing that My Father loves me makes me happy. His love is ultimately what makes me happy.
5) Making others feel inspired makes me happy.
Being happy isn’t about never acknowledging that things happen in life that are weighty and difficult. But instead, acknowledging that life brings what it brings, and standing up against it. I considered how my happiness could be perceived as excessive, and even phony. And perhaps, it could appear to be “way too happy” if one were oblivious to my early life woes. And maybe, if one were ignorant (I don’t mean that as in insult), but if one were without knowledge of the many vicissitudes I faced growing up , then, yes, I could see how my happiness could be perceived as a little too much happy.
Ironically, I was discussing this very idea with a girlfriend of mine over the weekend, as we swept away in her shiny VW Beatle in Beverly Hills, Ca. She too, can attest to the satisfying details of happiness.
She said, “People are always like, you have everything! This happened for you! That happened for you!” She continued, “But they don’t know that I was on my face, asking God about this and that! People don’t know what I’ve been through”.
My happiness is not an alien form. It isn’t some luck of the draw, or even an exclusive right. It’s a way of life. A way of living that demands faith. The misconception is that to be happy, you have to be numb. That whatever negative circumstance is going on, you have to turn a blind eye to it. “The elephant is not in the room. The elephant is not in the room!” That’s not it.
Being happy is self-determined. It’s your perception. If you perceive that tribulation, will somehow overwhelm you, condemn you to a debt ridden & hapless life, and cause you to ultimately go insane, then you will very naturally and willing succumb to what you foresee.
However, if you have at least once in your life, tasted the goodness of God, seen the light at the end of tunnel and can reckon it to memory, than you just may be in Pursuit of Way Too Happiness. I say this with a great deal of empathy. I realize that the financial crisis and harsh times have almost completely receded happiness in our culture; in its place, rabid fear, narcissism, sarcasm and severe depression, just to name few isms. So many people have been laid off, furloughed and are living from paycheck to paycheck just trying to make ends meet. What used to be the American Dream, has for some become the American Re-Occurring Nightmare.
But I want to encourage those of you out there who aren’t happy right now. That everything is going to be okay. Don’t worry about the things that you cannot change. If you have breath in your body you have a fighting chance.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Way too Happy by definition is a happiness that persists and exceeds even our limited perception of what truly makes us happy. Look at your life, and think about what makes you happy. If you are honest with yourself it’s not things that make you happy but your human experience.
In your Pursuit of Way Too Happiness I encourage you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
God Bless,
Natrietia
1) Having peace of mind makes me incredibly happy. Stress and anxiety are dead ends for me.
2) Having a good relationship with my husband makes me happy. Having a good foundation to build on is the key.
3) Giving and receiving unconditional love makes me happy.
4) Knowing that My Father loves me makes me happy. His love is ultimately what makes me happy.
5) Making others feel inspired makes me happy.
Being happy isn’t about never acknowledging that things happen in life that are weighty and difficult. But instead, acknowledging that life brings what it brings, and standing up against it. I considered how my happiness could be perceived as excessive, and even phony. And perhaps, it could appear to be “way too happy” if one were oblivious to my early life woes. And maybe, if one were ignorant (I don’t mean that as in insult), but if one were without knowledge of the many vicissitudes I faced growing up , then, yes, I could see how my happiness could be perceived as a little too much happy.
Ironically, I was discussing this very idea with a girlfriend of mine over the weekend, as we swept away in her shiny VW Beatle in Beverly Hills, Ca. She too, can attest to the satisfying details of happiness.
She said, “People are always like, you have everything! This happened for you! That happened for you!” She continued, “But they don’t know that I was on my face, asking God about this and that! People don’t know what I’ve been through”.
My happiness is not an alien form. It isn’t some luck of the draw, or even an exclusive right. It’s a way of life. A way of living that demands faith. The misconception is that to be happy, you have to be numb. That whatever negative circumstance is going on, you have to turn a blind eye to it. “The elephant is not in the room. The elephant is not in the room!” That’s not it.
Being happy is self-determined. It’s your perception. If you perceive that tribulation, will somehow overwhelm you, condemn you to a debt ridden & hapless life, and cause you to ultimately go insane, then you will very naturally and willing succumb to what you foresee.
However, if you have at least once in your life, tasted the goodness of God, seen the light at the end of tunnel and can reckon it to memory, than you just may be in Pursuit of Way Too Happiness. I say this with a great deal of empathy. I realize that the financial crisis and harsh times have almost completely receded happiness in our culture; in its place, rabid fear, narcissism, sarcasm and severe depression, just to name few isms. So many people have been laid off, furloughed and are living from paycheck to paycheck just trying to make ends meet. What used to be the American Dream, has for some become the American Re-Occurring Nightmare.
But I want to encourage those of you out there who aren’t happy right now. That everything is going to be okay. Don’t worry about the things that you cannot change. If you have breath in your body you have a fighting chance.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Way too Happy by definition is a happiness that persists and exceeds even our limited perception of what truly makes us happy. Look at your life, and think about what makes you happy. If you are honest with yourself it’s not things that make you happy but your human experience.
In your Pursuit of Way Too Happiness I encourage you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
God Bless,
Natrietia
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Highness
I woke up this moring earlier than usual for a Saturday, first at 5 then at 6. My stomach felt like a calderon all night and I just kept tossing and turning. Finally I got out of bed and just went and talked to the Lord. I wanted to share this because I felt like maybe there was someone out there who might be feeling what I was feeling. I had been feeling this pressure to perform, an unreasonable desire to fulfill someone elses' expecations of me. And slowly this pressure started boiling over into a type of misery. I wanted to just hide myself and bask in self pity. Saying, "I will never be what I want to be. I will never do what I want to do. I will always be just good enough but never exceptional". This could not be further from the truth, as I talked to the Lord and opened up my heart to him, I began to realize something incredibly simple. " I can't be anything, other than who I was created to be." I can't long for something that I already have. It's like Michael Jordan wishing he could play basketball or Barack Obama wishing he were President or God, wishing he were God. Imagine that?? So I have elected not to identify myself outside of God's grace and the free gifts that He has given me ~ (I didn't merit life, I didn't endow myself with ability, I didn't choose any of these things they just happened to be there.) And so, I won't live my life in fear that I will some how fail to be who I already am. His Highness, His tangibility, His incredible love is the highest level of achievement. If there was anything that could be achieved, it we be the the ability to simply recieve from God all that He has freely given to each and everyone of us.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Saturdays with my Dad
Ahhh ... Saturday. I love to wake up on Saturday Mornings before everyone else and just spend time with my Dad. Its my favorite thing to do. I'm trying to be more disciplined in getting that one on one with him during the week as well. My schedule is such that I squeeze in my study of the word in the mornings and afternoons on the train. I'm always talking to dad but there is something about isolating myself from sound and distraction and traffic and work and all of the things that make life so vibrant. Certainly, I can marvel at the sway of the trees in the wind, and brightness of the sun and the glory of each day. I like to take the time to smell the roses. But even more, time a way with the Lord is time well spent. I'm always so invigorated by the time that I get to spend with him,my Dad.
I am also training myself to call him Dad more than I call Him God because I think He likes it. (smile). When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He told them to pray to their "Father". Its a small change that makes a huge impact. It seems that the slightest adjustments make the biggest changes. In the beginning, I found it hard to call him Dad. I thought that I was being disrespectful. Then I found myself weeping, that I hadn't ever saw myself as a true child of god. That I saw myself as mere peasant at his feet hoping to receive whatever blessings fell on me. Over time it has become so much easier for me to see Him as a dad who loves me no matter what. And knowing this incredible love inspires me to be a better daughter. I don't take for granted the love that has been given to me, but I make it a priority to not forget about my dad.
Thanks Dad. I love you and I appreciate you.
I am also training myself to call him Dad more than I call Him God because I think He likes it. (smile). When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He told them to pray to their "Father". Its a small change that makes a huge impact. It seems that the slightest adjustments make the biggest changes. In the beginning, I found it hard to call him Dad. I thought that I was being disrespectful. Then I found myself weeping, that I hadn't ever saw myself as a true child of god. That I saw myself as mere peasant at his feet hoping to receive whatever blessings fell on me. Over time it has become so much easier for me to see Him as a dad who loves me no matter what. And knowing this incredible love inspires me to be a better daughter. I don't take for granted the love that has been given to me, but I make it a priority to not forget about my dad.
Thanks Dad. I love you and I appreciate you.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Ask ... What do you want?
I have been at a crossroads. And the only consolation that I have is a promise. A promise that I cannot let go of; and further more will not let go of me. I must say that I have been walking along this winding road to perdition since 1995, a mere thirteen years. And along this road, I have noticed a trend. Whenever I get to a place where I have to make the grueling and faithful decision to either turn left or right, I am met with great difficulty. The difficulty isn't in whether or not left is better than right. The difficulty is much more complex because left and right are not decidedly wrong or right, but better or best. And the choice to choose is determined by whether or not I am willing to go the distance for what is better.
What is best is good. Its a shorter walk, less foliage with sporadic trails of water bottles and edible seeds, plants and berries. Its a comfortable, slightly warm yet breezy trot along a sandy path. The better route is promising. It is a hopeless dangle of vines, weeds and thorns, random beast and desert plain. There are no adventurers past or those left behind to encourage you along the way. Only a dark, lonely shoot until you get to Eden. The promised land. An until death do you part, marriage of faith and diligence.
I have lacked strength in areas of faith. At times compromising my belief to dote on the unfairness of life. Questioning the soundness of faithful exercise. Lifting my arms in total surrender weakened by my own passions. I've left myself alone and thought about the reasons why I've chosen to go the long and narrow route. Time after time, met with this decision, knowing its penalty. To the benefit of knowledge, I would I have to say that Christ, alone,for has done more me than I have done for him. Although, I have begged to differ with him at these crossroads. I have always returned to the same truth. He saved me. When I was a little girl and confused and torn and raped ... He saved me. He healed me. He treasured me as His own. And though I cannot touch Him, I feel Him always. And though I can not look him in His eyes and wonder at His mystery. I know him. I know Him as friend, and savior and confident. I know Him. He saved me.
So I turn Him in these moments, when I am met with decision. And I simply ask, what do you want? Faithfully, He responds, " I want what the very best for you. Not just what is good, but what is perfect. Choose what is better."
What is best is good. Its a shorter walk, less foliage with sporadic trails of water bottles and edible seeds, plants and berries. Its a comfortable, slightly warm yet breezy trot along a sandy path. The better route is promising. It is a hopeless dangle of vines, weeds and thorns, random beast and desert plain. There are no adventurers past or those left behind to encourage you along the way. Only a dark, lonely shoot until you get to Eden. The promised land. An until death do you part, marriage of faith and diligence.
I have lacked strength in areas of faith. At times compromising my belief to dote on the unfairness of life. Questioning the soundness of faithful exercise. Lifting my arms in total surrender weakened by my own passions. I've left myself alone and thought about the reasons why I've chosen to go the long and narrow route. Time after time, met with this decision, knowing its penalty. To the benefit of knowledge, I would I have to say that Christ, alone,for has done more me than I have done for him. Although, I have begged to differ with him at these crossroads. I have always returned to the same truth. He saved me. When I was a little girl and confused and torn and raped ... He saved me. He healed me. He treasured me as His own. And though I cannot touch Him, I feel Him always. And though I can not look him in His eyes and wonder at His mystery. I know him. I know Him as friend, and savior and confident. I know Him. He saved me.
So I turn Him in these moments, when I am met with decision. And I simply ask, what do you want? Faithfully, He responds, " I want what the very best for you. Not just what is good, but what is perfect. Choose what is better."
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